Last Saint Standing

3rdStreetSaint 212

3rdStreetSaint 212

Season 1: Pre-Game Pep Talk
The Saints are seen gathering into The Church. Cut to Julius stood at the podium addressing all the Saints.

Troy: What's going on here?

Lin: This better be worth it. I just worked my way into the Rollerz lower ranks.

Dex: Oh, it's worth it. Especially now that our gang has more members.

Julius: Ok, listen up! Morale's been slippin' since the Vice Kings moved in on our turf. So I'm bringin' back a old friendly competition we used to hold when we first started the Saints.

Gat: Oh hell yeah! I know what that means!

Julius: That's right Johnny. It's time for the "Last Saint Standing" tournament.

Bobby: The what?

Lin: (Sigh) You've got to be kidding me.

Julius: All current members of the crew will compete for the title of the "Last Saint Standing" and prove that they're the most skilled in any form of combat.

Jimmy: What are the stakes?

Julius: Nothing, it's just a friendly competition to help boost the morale of the crew. But... If you absolutely need an incentive to try and win, Freckle Bitch's has agreed to sponsor the competition this year, and the winner gets a free "Chicken Bazooms" with every order for a whole month.

Bobby: "Sponsor"?

Julius: You heard me right, Bobby. This year Channel 6 News is going to record the whole tournament and turn it into a series.

Dex (Whispering to Lin and Troy): Must be a slow news month.

Playa: Just give me 2 minutes with a rocket launcher in a crowded street, I'll give them some news to cover.

Troy: What are the rules of this competition?

Julius: Be the last Saint standing... Oh, and no real blades or bullets or grenades. Those of us from the first game all remember what happened to Jones.

Johnny: Poor kid.

Jones: It was your fault, a**hole!

Turn to see Jones wearing an eyepatch, having a hook for a hand, and covered in burn scars.

Julius: Ok then. As soon as you all leave the Church, the competition begins... And try to make sure there's a cameraman present before you fight each other.
 
Season 1: Qualifier Round 1
Open in Channel 6 Studios with Jane and Julius sat at the announcer table.

Jane: Good morning everyone, I'm Jane Valderamma, and welcome to the first round in the "Last Saint Standing" tournament. I'm joined in the studio by Julius Little, the founder of this thrilling game.

Julius: Thank you for having me here.

Jane: Our cameramen have been following the Saints around Stilwater for the past 2 hours, and have decided that the Saints we'll see in action for Round 1 of the Qualifier today are...

Cut to the big screen where it shows the Saints and their stats as Jane and Julius introduce them.

Jane: Foll Ower from Athos Bay.

Julius: Wait, who is he?

Jane: It says he's a loyal member of the Saints and will follow anyone willing to have him in their squad.

Julius: That name sounds made up.

Jane: The next Saint we'll be observing is Anne E. Thyme from Athos Bay.

Julius: Oh come on.

Jane: And she is always available for a mission, any time, any place.

Julius: these names are obviously fake, they just have to be.

Jane: The third Saint today is Canon Fodder.

Julius: Well, they didn't even try with that one.

Jane: And he'll...

Julius: Sacrifice himself to save you, yeah yeah. Moving on, we have... (Unamused) Julius Sucks. Very funny.

Jane: Come on, can we maintain some level of professionalism?... Wait, that is his name!?

Julius: You have got to be kidding me.

Jane: Well, that's our first set of competitors, let's see how they do.

Julius: I should really learn people's names before I let them join the Saints.

Cut to Anne stood in line at Friendly Fire.

Customer: I don't know, don't you have something a little lighter?

Clerk: Lighter than a lighter? I'm already suggesting something that's not even technically a weapon.

Customer: Yeah, but a lighter's too dark, I need something that's light.

Clerk: Wait... You're not talking about weight, you're talking about brightness?

Customer: I thought I made that clear. I said I was looking for something light.

Clerk: That would be "something that lights", not "something light".

Customer: But then it might be too heavy.

Clerk: Wait what weight with watt which weighs less when lit?

Customer: What?

Anne: Kill me now.

Foll jumps up from behind the counter.

Foll: That can be arranged!

Anne: Oh shi...

Foll and Anne get into a battle destroying half the store in the process until Foll gets thrown out the window, then Anne jumps out after him.

Customer: What just happened?

Clerk: (Sigh) Just buy something or get out.

Cut to Foll running down the street, he hides around a corner but knows Anne is not far behind. Suddenly Canon pulls up in a Saints Compton Convertible.

Canon: Quick, get in.

Foll dives into the car just narrowly avoiding Anne as Canon drives away.

Foll: Thanks.

Canon: You're welcome.

Foll: No, I meant thanks for the car.

Canon: What?

Foll kicks Canon out of the car sending him rolling into a pile of trash.

Foll: Ouch, I think he's out of the competition.

Foll then notices a flashbang land in the passenger seat next to him.

Foll: Oh son of bi...

The flashbang goes off and sends him crashing into a wall. Cut to Julius Sucks casually leaning against a streetlight.

Julius Sucks: Point to me.

Then a suction cup dart lands on his head.

Julius Sucks: What's that?

Anne is revealed to be stood a few feet away.

Anne: That's a "knife".

Julius Sucks: Damn.

Julius Sucks flops to the ground, then Anne celebrates in victory. Cut back to the Studio for highlights as the announcers recap the round.

Jane: Well, that was an eventful round, and one impressive win by Anne.

Julius: Impressive? The other 3 were idiots who got distracted by their own performance.

Jane: I seem to recall an interview with last year's winner revealing that's exactly how they won.

Julius: Well, it would be nice to see someone win with an actual body count, instead of letting everyone else kill each other for an easy win.

Jane: Well if you'll recall, that Friendly Fire feud was not an easy start for Anne, with Foll taking her by surprise.

Julius: He may have had the high ground while stood atop the counter, but once his feet touched the ground, Anne gained the upper hand.

Jane: As we could see from Canon's short appearance, it looked like he was willing to make an alliance to get him through the early rounds, but Foll was on a mission.

Julius: But that mission flashed out of the competition thanks to Julius and his amazing throwing skills.

Jane: But his nonchalant behaviour was his downfall as he had no idea Anne was right there with the kill shot.

Julius: But like I said, Anne only had to take out one guy, the others took each other out while she just waited it out.

Jane: Well, this is just round 1 of the qualifier... Maybe we'll see some more direct action in the rounds to come. I'm Jane Valderamma, with Channel 6 News, and we'll see you next time on "Last Saint Standing".

Julius: What about the Freckle Bitch's sponsor? We're supposed to mention that, right? Hello?
 
Last edited:
Season 1: Qualifier Round 2
Open in the studio with Jane and Julius.

Jane: Welcome back to the "Last Saint Standing" event. I'm Jane Valderamma.

Julius: And I'm Julius Little.

Jane: We've got four more competitors today, so lets take a look at who they are.

Julius: I believe we need to mention our sponsor before we get into the competition.

Jane: Oh yes. Thank you for reminding me. After last week's blunder, we decided it would be best to mention our sponsor at the start of each video.

Julius: Yes, so I hope you're hungry, because we've got a great deal for you down at...

Jane: Apollos.

Julius: Wait, what?

Jane: Come for the coffee, stay for the sugar.

Julius: What happened to Freckle Bitch's?

Jane: Just tell them Channel 6 sent you to get a free donut with every purchase.

Julius: Ok then... Hope my Saints like donuts and coffee more than chicken bazooms.

Jane: Now then, let's take a look at today's Saints.

Julius: Finally, a name I'm familiar with. Dylan Striker from Humbolt Park. He's quite proficient with sidearms, but has been in a few rounds of fight club, so keep an eye on this guy.

Jane: Next up we have Jill Valentino.

Julius: That sounds very close to someone we could get sued for using without permission.

Jane: Ah yes, Jill Valentina.

Julius: Nope, that's not who I meant.

Jane: And then we have Johnny Gat.

Julius: Oh well, I'm sure he needs no introduction.

Jane: He doesn't? Who is he? I've never met him before.

Julius: You will soon enough.

Jane: And last up is Kevin...

Julius: No last name?

Jane: Not that I can tell. It says he's from Santo Ileso?

Julius: Never heard of it.

Jane: We may need a fact check on this.

Julius: Let's just see how Johnny wins today's event.

Jane: You think he's that good?

Julius: Just watch.

Cut to Sunnyvale Gardens where a couple are enjoying a romantic walk in the park.

Jack: (Calmly) Jenny?

Jenny: Yes Jack?

Jack: (Calmly) Run for your life.

Jenny: What? Oh fu...

Jack pushes Jenny out of the way as he gets hit by a Beater Ant with Dylan behind the wheel.

Dylan: Out of the way! I'm on a mission!

Jack is now in place as a hood ornament.

Jack: A mission for what!? And why aren't you on the road!?

Dylan: It's a shortcut. And all the Saints are in a competition.

Jack: And this competition couldn't have taken place in an enclosed location?

Just then, Dylan notices an SPD blockade and stops just short of one of the cars. Jack slides down off the hood and collapses on the ground.

Dylan: What the hell is this?

Cop: Dylan, you're under arrest for grand theft auto.

Dylan: But I'm part of a televised competition?

Cop: Yep, but there's nothing stopping us from getting involved.

Dylan: Aw man!

As Dylan gets arrested, Jill and Kevin are seen watching from behind Rusty's Needle.

Kevin: Nice idea calling the cops.

Jill: That takes care of Dylan, now we'll ambush Gat while he's in Rusty's Needle.

Jill and Kevin enter through the back door. They sneak into the parlour and the tattoo artist notices them, but thinks their guns are real, they signal for him to just continue tattooing Gat while they get close to him.

They make it to the chair and grab "Gat's" arms, only to realise that it's not Gat, but just someone with a similar hairstyle.

Customer: Ah! What is this?

Jill: What the...?

The real Gat then kicks their guns out of their hands and aims his own guns at them.

Gat: You really think you can beat me?

Kevin: It's two on one.

Gat: That just makes it more fun for me. Jerry, you may wanna step outside for now, I'll pay for the damages later.

Jerry and the customer run out the front door just before a huge 2v1 battle breaks out in the parlour. It's a lot of back and forth, but Kevin's part comes to an end when Gat sprays tattoo ink all over Kevin, ruining his tattoos.

Kevin: Nooooo!!!

Gat: Now that's a stain of failure that won't wash off. Now where's Jill?

Gat hears the sound of a Sandstorm driving away outside. Cut to Jill on a rally Sandstorm racing through the streets, it doesn't take Gat long to catch up on a Saints Melbourne.

Gat: You can run, but you can't hide!

Jill: I don't need to hide! I just need to outmanoeuvre you!

Gat: Oh, it's on!

Jill and Gat perform a street race through the city, performing many dangerous stunts along the way, but it all comes to an end when Jill is launched forward off her bike and lands in the burger on top of Freckle Bitch's. Gat stops in the parking lot and takes a look.

Gat: (Wincing) Ooh, now that's what I call a Jill sandwich.

Cut back to the Studio for highlights as the announcers recap the round.

Julius: Damn! Now that's the type of action I like to see! Police blockades, cinematic combat, and street racing! We may have more rounds to come, but that was the highlight of the season.

Jane: You're certainly showing some enthusiasm this week.

Julius: And why not. Johnny may not be a good choice for planning a mission, but he certainly knows how to entertain a crowd.

Jane: I suppose the sabotage caused by Jill and Kevin early on helped him out a little though, right?

Julius: We'll never know. Sure Dylan has the combat skills to give Gat a challenge, but I've seen that face-off before and Gat always comes out on top.

Jane: It was smart of Jill and Kevin to form an alliance, but maybe next time they should make sure they have the right target before putting their plan into action.

Julius: You said it. They could've have Gat right then and there, if only he was the one sat in that chair.

Jane: Nice rhyme.

Julius: What rhyme?

Jane: Well, this has been the second round of the qualifier, sponsored by Apollos...

Julius: We gotta talk about that.

Jane: I'm Jane Valderamma...

Julius: So we're not talking about that?

Jane: We'll see you next time on "Last Saint Standing".
 
Last edited:
Season 1: Qualifier Round 3
Open in the studio with Jane and Julius.

Jane: Welcome back to the "Last Saint Standing" event. I'm Jane Valderamma.

Julius: And I'm Julius Little.

Jane: This week's sponsor is none other than Legal Lee's.

Julius: Seems appropriate.

Jane: If you've been injured during the course of this competition, go to Legal Lee and he will get you the compensation you deserve.

Julius: Wait... Don't we get sued for that?

Jane: You get sued, Channel 6 has full coverage for all their staff, including me.

Julius: What!?

Jane: Let's see who's on the list today. First up is Dennis from Harrowgate.

Julius: Have we just abandoned last names now.

Jane: Then Gina from Stilwater.

Julius: Which neighbourhood?

Jane: Louis from Mercy City.

Julius: Where are the factoids this time?

Jane: And Lin, from Chinatown.

Julius: Oh I get it. It's pointless learning information about the contestants who are obviously going to lose.

Jane: What makes you say that?

Julius: Well this round contains the winner of last year's event.

Jane: Oh, that's right, Gina from Stilwater.

Julius: No. Lin from Chinatown.

Jane: Oh, right... I seem to have my pages a little out of order for some reason.

Julius: Well, if Gina, Louis, and Dennis want to stand any chance of winning this year, they'll need to work together to defeat Lin in this Qualifying round.

Jane: And if they do go through, maybe next time my assistant will have the factoids on the same page as their names.

Julius: You got an assistant?

Jane: Let's go down to the action.

Cut to Lin leaving a meet up with the Rollerz.

Lin: I sure hope this competition doesn't f*ck with my undercover job.

Lin turns a corner to see 2 of her opponents waiting for her in the alley. The 3rd opponent blocks her exit.

Dennis: I don't think that's your main concern right now.

Lin: (Sigh) F*ck me. You guys are really taking this thing seriously, huh?

Gina: Of course we are. A chance to fight Gat one on one, who wouldn't want that?

Lin: But which one of you would get that chance?

Gina: Nice try, but we're not falling for your manipulation tactics. We already agreed that I get the one on one.

Dennis: No, we agreed I would go through.

Louis: Yeah, go through the window, I'm gonna get Gat.

Gina: You're gonna get got, if you don't shut up.

Louis: That's it, Gina, you're going down.

Gina: Bring it on, Dr. Pill!

Dennis: You're both going down!

Louis, Gina, and Dennis all break out into a back alley brawl while Lin just walks away with a smug look on her face. Cut to Wong's Tea House where Lin is enjoying a mug of tea. Suddenly a tuner Mockingbird crashes through the front entrance with Gina behind the wheel and Louis in the passenger seat.

Gina: Fool us once, shame on us!

Lin: Oh great, this again.

Louis: Give up Lin! We won't be defeated!

Lin: "We"? You know only one of you can win, right?

Louis: Yeah, well... I'm sure we'll figure that out.

Gina: Yeah, (mumbles to herself) in five seconds after defeating Lin.

Louis: What?

Gina: Nothing, let's just focus on defeating Lin.

Louis: You're really going to betray me so soon?

Gina: Hey, it's a competition, there can be only one winner.

Louis: I trusted you!

Gina: Come on man, let's defeat Lin first, then we can talk this out.

Louis: Talk, you're probably gonna shoot me straight after we defeat Lin.

Gina: No, I was just gonna use the knife, nice and painless.

Louis: Not when you think of it as a real knife.

Gina: Damn, how immersed are you right now? Or are you just high on pain pills? Wait, what's that?

Louis: It looks like a flashbang.

Gina: Oh fu...

The flashbang goes off and Lin knocks them both out.

Lin: That's enough of that. Sorry about the mess Wong.

Wong: It's fine, free publicity.

Cut back to the Studio for highlights as the announcers recap the round.

Jane: Well, Lin is certainly showing off her incredible manipulation tactics. Looks like she is going to prove to be a very tough competition.

Julius: Yeah, why do you think I got her to infiltrate the Rollerz.

Jane: Is that something you should mention on live TV?

Julius: Wait, this is live? I'm sure it'll be fine.

Jane: Looks like the other 3 were so intent on taking down Lin, that they didn't think about their next step.

Julius: Well, it did seem like Gina had a plan of her own, but she maybe should have discussed it with her team mates first, so they could all be in agreement and give Lin no room to manipulate them.

Jane: Well, Lin goes through, while the others go home. Who knows, maybe they can get compensation from Legal Lee.

Julius: Please don't do that.

Jane: And I'm sure you'll be billed for the destruction of Wong's Tea House.

Julius: Please don't do that either, I'm trying to run a gang here.

Jane: I'm Jane Valderamma.

Julius: We definitely need a different sponsor.

Jane: And we'll see you next time on "Last Saint Standing".
 
Season 1: Qualifier Round 4
Open in the studio with Jane, Julius, and Chicken Ned.

Jane: Welcome back to the "Last Saint Standing" event. I'm Jane Valderamma.

Julius: And I'm Julius Little.

Jane: This week's sponsor is Lik-A-Chik.

Julius: Did we get desperate or something?

Ned: Hey, our food's not that bad.

Jane: Well that Legal Lee sponsor didn't really work out well for anyone, so we had to take what we could get.

Ned: I'm sat right here.

Julius: Yeah, and you're just the mascot for the restaurant.

Ned: Why did you invite me on here, if you're just going to insult me?

Jane: Anyway, we couldn't afford our usual crew, so we're working with a skeleton crew today.

Julius: And we don't have the information about today's competitors, so I'll just tell you what I know about them.

Ned: Am I getting paid for this?

Julius: First up I think we have Donnie?

Jane: (Whispers) I believe he's in the Rollerz.

Julius: The Saints don't have a Donnie?

Jane: Nope.

Julius: Oh, well maybe it was Dennis?

Jane: He was in last week's round.

Ned: You're really bad at this.

Julius: Hey, shut up you stupid chicken!

Julius dives onto Chicken Ned and starts fighting him off-camera.

Jane: Oh dear! Well let's just head straight down to the action and learn about our contestants from their actions today.

Julius: Looks like I'm having chicken tenders for lunch!

Ned: Oh god! Someone help me!

Suddenly the power goes out.

Jane: Oh fantastic! I guess we couldn't afford to pay the electric bill either. Guess we're not having a round this week then. I'm Jane Valderamma, saying "f*ck you Legal Lee!", and we'll see you next week... Hopefully.

Cut to 3 Saints spying on the Police Station in The Barrio from an apartment building rooftop.

Joe: What's he doin' in there?

Barry: Paying off the cops? I dunno.

Murly: It's pretty weird how he's always hanging around police stations, talking to the mirror, using that police walkie talkie. If I didn't know any better, I'd say Troy was a cop.

Barry: No shit sherlock, why do you think we're out here spying on him?

Joe: Shut up, he's comin' out now.

They watch as Troy leaves the police station. Troy shakes hands with one of the cops before walking away.

Barry: He's shaking hands with the cops.

Murly: Now that definitely seems like something a cop would do.

Joe: (Sigh) No wonder Dex put me in charge. Alright, the other cops went back inside, let's follow.

Murly: I don't think we should go in the police station, we might get arrested.

Joe: I meant follow Troy.

Murly: Oh... That makes sense.

The 3 Stooges... I mean 3 Saints stumble down the stairwell and out the back door. They get in their Pizza Delivery Shogun, then tail Troy back to his apartment.

Cut to Troy about to relax, when someone knocks at the door.

Troy: Yeah, who is it?

Joe: It's those 3 electricians you called for.

Murly: We're here to give you a jump. (Whacking sound) Ow!

Troy: You got the wrong house pal. I ain't waitin' on no spark plugs.

Barry: Just open the door, maybe we can work out a deal?

Troy: Come on man, you're wasting both our time. I saw your pizza car tailing me back here. What do you really want?

Joe: Alright, we know you're a cop, and we're taking you to Dex.

Barry: Your way, or the easy way. (Whacking sound) Ow!

Joe: Alright boys, let's blow his door in! 3... (Door bump).

Troy: Ah shit. Here we go again.

Troy quickly gathers some supplies and steps out the window onto the emergency stairwell just as the 3 Saints burst through the door and start shooting.

Troy: Nice try morons, but you're too slow.

Troy begins running up the stairwell.

Joe: Get him!

The 3 Saints all try to squeeze through the window at the same time and get stuck.

Joe: How did I get stuck with you two?

Murly: Well, we all tried to squeeze through the wind...

Joe headbutts Murly.

Murly: Ow!

Cut to Troy reaching the rooftop, then looking down to see the 3 Saints close behind. So he begins running across the rooftops with the 3 Saints in pursuit. Eventually Troy reaches a dead end looking down into a dark alley.

Joe: Nowhere to run now Troy.

Barry: I'm sure Dex will be happy to see you.

Murly: Not if he's a cop. I don't think Dex will like that at all.

Joe: (Sigh) Can't you let us have one serious moment?

Murly: I'm just saying...

Joe: Oh yeah, well just say this.

Joe goes to slap Murly, but Murly ducks, making Joe slap Barry. This leads to a series of Stooge-like fighting while Troy notices a nice soft pile of old mattresses to land on in the alley. He closes his eyes and steps off the rooftop.

Cut to Troy bouncing off the pile of mattresses and landing in the dumpster.

Troy: Ugh, guess at least I'm away from those morons.

Joe: Who are you calling morons?

Troy peeks out of the dumpster to see the 3 Saints stood in the alleyway.

Troy: Oh give me a break.

Suddenly 3 shots are heard, then the 3 Saints drop to the ground.

Troy: What the f*ck!?

Chief Monroe steps out from the shadows with the smoking gun.

Troy: Monroe?

Monroe: I need you in the Saints, and if that means breaking the rules, then so be it. Now get back to Saints Row, you just earned yourself a spot in the semi finals.

Troy: Ok, but I don't see how you can cover this one up.

Monroe: No need, there were no cameras, and there'll soon be no evidence. Until next time on "Last Saint Standing".
 
Last edited:
Season 1: Qualifier Round 5
Open in the studio with Jane and Julius.

Jane: Welcome back to the "Last Saint Standing" event. I'm Jane Valderamma.

Julius: And I'm Julius Little.

Jane: We had a few technical difficulties last week, but Troy Bradshaw has now secured a spot in the semi finals, alongside Anne E. Thyme, Johnny Gat, and Lin.

Julius: It's a shame we'll never see how he won that round, but I guess we'll just have to take his word for it.

Jane: This week proves to be one for the history books, as it looks like we've got a lot of returning faces from last year's event.

Julius: But before that, we do have a new sponsor, and this one is "hard" to beat.

Jane: That's right, if you like your burgers grilled to the point of no return, then come on down to Charred Hard Burgers.

Julius: One of the few restaurants that don't have people screaming in fear when the kitchen is on fire.

Jane: First on our list tonight is Bobby Johnson from Pleasant View.

Julius: I'm not sure a Bobby Johnson is a pleasant view, if you ask me.

Jane: I don't get it.

Julius: Next is Jimmy Robs from Rim Jobs Garage.

Jane: Does he live there, or just work there?

Julius: How the hell should I know?

Jane: He's in your gang.

Julius: Good point.

Jane: After that we have Dex Jackson.

Julius: He came close last year, but Lin managed to pit him against Johnny, then take the win from both of them.

Jane: A tactic that is certainly working for her again this year.

Julius: And finally we have Jake Jones.

Jane: Ah yes, the one who suffered several injuries caused by Johnny Gat, because the rules about deadly weapons were unspecified last year.

Julius: I just thought it was implied.

Jane: Well, that's the line up, so it's time to go down to the action.

Julius: Oh, and for those of you who were wondering, Chicken Ned is fine. I did not turn him into a bucket of fried chicken.

Jane: I don't think the people were interested in knowing if a giant chicken survived a fight.

Julius: You'd be surprised.

To be continued...
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top